When you'd never speak to a friend like that
Repawter: Hilary Sims
Learning to offer yourself the same compassion you give so freely to others
Many of us are kind by nature. We listen, we reassure, we remind others that they’re doing their best. Yet when it comes to ourselves, that kindness often vanishes.
If a friend came to you in distress, you’d probably offer understanding. You might say, “It’s okay — everyone makes mistakes,” or “You’ve had such a lot on your plate.” But when we’re the ones struggling, the internal dialogue can sound very different: You should have handled that better. You always mess things up. Why can’t you just get it right?
This quiet double standard runs deep. It’s something I see often in therapy — people who are endlessly patient with others but unforgiving with themselves. Somewhere along the line, we absorbed the idea that self-criticism equals responsibility. That if we’re hard on ourselves, we’ll improve faster or make fewer mistakes. In truth, harsh self-talk rarely motivates; it discourages, isolates, and feeds anxiety.
Learning to relate to ourselves differently begins with noticing the tone of our inner voice. You might start by catching moments when you’d never speak to a friend in the same way. Simply recognising that difference is powerful.
Then, when something goes wrong, try a small experiment: imagine it was a close friend in your position. What would you say to them? How would you help them see the situation more gently? Now offer those same words to yourself — even if they feel awkward or unearned. That discomfort is often a sign of growth, not self-indulgence.
This isn’t about pretending everything is fine or glossing over mistakes. It’s about fairness and humanity. You deserve the same understanding you offer to the people you love.
Over time, that shift from inner criticism to inner companionship can change the texture of daily life. Negative thoughts will still appear — they’re part of being human — but they no longer have to take charge.
Treating yourself as you would a friend doesn’t mean losing standards or discipline. It means recognising that kindness is not the opposite of strength. In fact, it’s one of its quietest and most sustaining forms.
Hilary Sims is a therapist based in Stourbridge, West Midlands, specialising in a humanistic, person-centred approach blended with CBT and Solution Focused Therapy. She helps people build self awareness, confidence and emotional resilience through compassionate, practical support.
